We all say we want to make changes and then do everything possible to stay still. We hear something or someone may suggest a different approach to a problem and we say “Yes, but……” giving different reasons as to why we cannot implement something different today.
By using the 4-step framework in conflict situations you state what is and thus what is true to you/for you in that moment. By only stating what you observe, feel, and need it is your truth and in this way the other person does not ‘hear’ judgment or blame. When we bring in old baggage couched in ‘you never…. you always……. you make me…….’ it makes the other person defensive and heightens the conflict. Using Words that Change Actions facilitates conflict resolution.
When I talk about Talking for Peace and nonviolent communication everyone is usually interested and says “What a good idea” without realising how much of what we say, in our everyday exchanges, can be destructive. By adopting a different way of communicating I am more aware of when I feel ‘bad’ and what can exacerbate that feeling. If I am feeling angry it is easy to look for someone to blame instead of looking inwards and unravelling where these feelings may be coming from. If I am stuck I can apply the 4-step process of Observation-Feelings-Needs-Request. Sometimes just looking at one aspect is enough to create a shift out of deadlock.
It is possible to be the ‘Lone Ranger’ and create shifts even if others are unwilling to make changes or join in the process. Shifts can still take place.
I am experiencing a rather difficult period at the moment and it would be easy to start attacking those around me from feelings of resentment and frustration. To try and sustain peaceful communication I am making a concerted effort not to be sarcastic, and should a little dagger jump out I apologise. I am making direct comments and requests.eg “Please could you pick up the clothes in the hall” Instead of “You’re always leaving your dirty clothes in the hall!” A little change in attitude can make a big shift in the atmosphere as there is then a positive knock on effect.
Sometimes participants in our ‘Words That Change Actions’ workshops will say “Oh I need to read the Book” then I can communicate nonviolently. Simple changes can be made, daily. Changes can be made, without reading ‘the Book’.
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08/10/2007 at 11:26 pm
I found this very useful to read. I have recently moved in to a new house. I am quite a tidy person and found it very infuriating the amount of mess there was and how untidy my fellow housemates where. Everytime I saw the washing up piled high in the sink of the empty containers left about the place i got more and more angry and realised that I had to say something! I put it off for a while as I knew there would be confrontations about it. Before I talked to everyone I read this blog and realised that the way that I was about to go and talk would not have done anything but got everyone’s back up. So… I sat everyone down and made clear requests of what my needs were and how I felt. It was a total success! We all immediately agreed on ways to accomodate everyones needs and now have a house rota and no more dirty washing pile ups!