13/12/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

Our ’stories’ affect how we ‘hear ‘ what someone else is saying.  If we ‘hear’ blame our response is very different than if not. Sometimes we may be sorry for causing an upset but dig our heels in if we think the other person is trying to lay ‘the blame’ on us.  If we are in a dispute or disagreement the the chances of a concillatory outcome are often delayed when each party is trying to justify their position: this is generally achieved by attempting to place the other party in the ‘wrong’.

Recently I was in just such a situation where I felt I was unjustly being put inthe ‘wrong’ and the other person was wanting an apology for my action.   Neither of us could see the others point of view.  Deadlock could have prevailed had we not decided to go into needs and feelings.   As soon as we stated our needs and feelings the barriers came down and there was instant empathy and reconnection.   By going into needs and feelings we connect at the heart level instead of our heads. This is particularly pertinent when we have a long term relationship with someone (be it at home or at work) as then the ’stories’ are longer and carry more weight so there is a vested interest in being ‘right’ and this history then gets in the way of a resolution.  That is why by going into needs and feelings it is much easier and quicker to reach a mutually compassionate resolution.

When we find ourselves in a conflict situation, rather than trying to justify our ‘rightness’, we are far more likely to get our needs met if we truely state how we are feeling at that moment and what we may be needing.  Giving empathy to ourselves as well as the other person is another short cut  to resolution.  This takes us away from blame and the desire to be ‘right’.

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03/12/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

The title is very familiar and something we will often say sarcastically when someone has not met our needs.

In any relationships what we say and how we say it is very important and a lot of our dissatisfaction occurs when others have not said what we think they ’should’ have said.

When stating ‘you don’t say you love me’ the response is usually ‘but you know I do’. Well how do others know we love them? How do we show we care? How often do we say ‘I love you’. How often do we state appreciation of what someone has done for us.   The October Talkeeze Newsletter was about ‘Gratitude’ and how by showing gratitude we can bring joy to others.

In any relationship, but more particularly when it is long term, there is a greater expectation for others to ‘know’ what we want or need.  Conflict can arise when we assume the other person has done something deliberately to upset/annoy us: we will often say or think “They did that to annoy me, they know I don’t like that”.  But did they really do it deliberately?
So many conflicts are caused by us jumping to conclusions driven by the ’stories’ that sit on our shoulders.  Next time you catch yourself with that thought really examine it and actually assess how you are feeling and what your needs might be at that point in time.  In this way,  by focusing on your own needs and feelings , you can remove the desire to ‘kick out’ against someone else because of an assumption that might well be incorrect.

So do ‘Actions Speak Louder Than Words’?  Maybe we need a bit of both with clear requests of our needs.

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