Our ’stories’ affect how we ‘hear ‘ what someone else is saying. If we ‘hear’ blame our response is very different than if not. Sometimes we may be sorry for causing an upset but dig our heels in if we think the other person is trying to lay ‘the blame’ on us. If we are in a dispute or disagreement the the chances of a concillatory outcome are often delayed when each party is trying to justify their position: this is generally achieved by attempting to place the other party in the ‘wrong’.
Recently I was in just such a situation where I felt I was unjustly being put inthe ‘wrong’ and the other person was wanting an apology for my action. Neither of us could see the others point of view. Deadlock could have prevailed had we not decided to go into needs and feelings. As soon as we stated our needs and feelings the barriers came down and there was instant empathy and reconnection. By going into needs and feelings we connect at the heart level instead of our heads. This is particularly pertinent when we have a long term relationship with someone (be it at home or at work) as then the ’stories’ are longer and carry more weight so there is a vested interest in being ‘right’ and this history then gets in the way of a resolution. That is why by going into needs and feelings it is much easier and quicker to reach a mutually compassionate resolution.
When we find ourselves in a conflict situation, rather than trying to justify our ‘rightness’, we are far more likely to get our needs met if we truely state how we are feeling at that moment and what we may be needing. Giving empathy to ourselves as well as the other person is another short cut to resolution. This takes us away from blame and the desire to be ‘right’.
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19/05/2008 at 01:22 pm
I recently had a huge fight with my boyfriend. Both of us had got very very angry about who was right and who was wrong over some trivial matter. The fight brought up issues that had not been addressed and so a serious talk was needed.
Before this talk I sat down and thought about what it was that was behind my anger, what were my needs. I went into the talk with a rule that there was to be no blame and no fault.
Unfortunately my boyfriend had obviously not read any of these blogs! Even though he had agreed that we needed to talk, all he talked about was blame and fault. He could not grasp that this was not going to get us anywhere. When I tried to ask him what was behind his anger - all I got was “I dunno”. The talk ended up not going anywhere and nothing and it was decided to have a bit more time apart before trying to talk things out again.
I just want to say that implementing compassionate communication into your life is not as easy as it sounds, especially when the person you are talking to is not communicating compassionately!!! But for all those people that feel they are fighting a loosing battle and it would be more satisfying to just give up and make that dig at someone, or blame that person/event ….DONT!!!!!
A few days later, I met up with my boyfriend and he talked about what I had said, and he thought about what was behind his anger and together we expressed our needs and talked about how the other person can respect them. Now whenever I feel that either of us is getting angry and conflict is on the horizon, I try to talk it out compassionately and have so far been able to diffuse situations that would have in the past ended in shouting.