25/01/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

Empathy is one of the most powerful tools of compassionate communication. 

Yet it is very difficult: Don’t just do something, stand there (Buddhist saying). 

I noticed that I am very good at sympathy and advising but not so good at true empathy.  My natural inclination is to try and ‘fix it’.

A lot of us do this as we want to ease another person’s distress.  This has made me realize why I have often felt frustrated when I am telling a problem to a friend and they are already advising before I have finished ‘my story’.  It feels so much better when a friend just listens with their ‘whole being’ rather than with their mind.

My awareness of true empathy is growing the more I practice compassionate communication.  The change is also enabled by a different awareness of how I listen: am I listening quietly with my being or am I listening with my head – waiting to get my ‘two pennyworths in’!  True empathy can help when someone is angry:  instead of getting defensive we can truely listen and this will invariably create a shift which then enables resolution.

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21/01/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

NEITHER SAINTS NOR SINNERS

When I am explaining compassionate communication I sometimes get the reaction that people think they have to be ‘good’ to use it and that they are ‘bad’ if they do not use it

Compassionate communication is a different way of talking; it’s a way of being more in tune with how we may be feeling in the moment. 

There are lots of times when I am feeling angry and resentful that all I want to do is hurt back by sarcasm or attacking by inducing guilt.  These may not be the ‘right’ way of communicating but at that moment in time that may be all I can/want to do.  That is ok I do not need to punish myself by deciding I was communicating ‘badly’.

But I also know that by responding in this way I will not get a harmonious resolution.  By using cc for my own self-development I am more likely to increase harmony in my life much more quickly and effectively.   By tuning in more quickly to what feelings and needs drove my behaviour  I am better able to change my responses and in this way enable  a resolution that meets all our needs.

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