Empathy is one of the most powerful tools of compassionate communication.
Yet it is very difficult: Don’t just do something, stand there (Buddhist saying).
I noticed that I am very good at sympathy and advising but not so good at true empathy. My natural inclination is to try and ‘fix it’.
A lot of us do this as we want to ease another person’s distress. This has made me realize why I have often felt frustrated when I am telling a problem to a friend and they are already advising before I have finished ‘my story’. It feels so much better when a friend just listens with their ‘whole being’ rather than with their mind.
My awareness of true empathy is growing the more I practice compassionate communication. The change is also enabled by a different awareness of how I listen: am I listening quietly with my being or am I listening with my head – waiting to get my ‘two pennyworths in’! True empathy can help when someone is angry: instead of getting defensive we can truely listen and this will invariably create a shift which then enables resolution.
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27/01/2008 at 11:57 am
This is helpful to read and remind myself, as I think my inclination is to be a ‘fixer’ too. This weblog (and the website) is a great resource - thank you!
19/05/2008 at 12:56 pm
I too am a fixer but also think I am more of a listener than a talker. This means that my friends feel that they can come and talk to me about their problems and know that I will listen and simply give how I would deal with the situation, but not impose this on them.
But recently I had a long conversation with a close friend about certain issues that he found very hard to talk about. I felt that the best thing for me to do was to just listen, as because it was such a sensitive subject there was no way I could truely understand how he was feeling without sounding patronising. But this act of silent support was interpreted as me not caring or listening. My friend felt that I had not given enough back to him. What is the happy medium of listening but yet commenting enough to show that you empathise with them?
I feel that the reason for my friends upset was because he was feeling vulnerable talking about very personal issues with me. How can I show empathy to someone that is defensive if I am quiet, yet dismissive if I try to empathise?