I was talking about teasing and humour the other day and we ended up realising that a lot of ‘humour’ is usually a joke at someone else’s expense. It is actually a very thin line between being humorous and hurtful. If we are the butt of someone else’s comments how we react will very much depend on our confidence and emotional state at that given moment. eg most of the time I can laugh when my son makes fun of me but if I have had a bad day I am much more sensitive to criticism and will retaliate sharply. Which then surprises him and he will say ‘Oh stop being so stressy’
As adults we are usually more able to take ‘it’ as well as dish it out. However teenagers are especially good at dishing out but become very indignant and upset if we laugh or tease them back. To be able to take teasing in one’s stride necessitates having a strong sense of self; I think most teenagers are very self-conscious and still trying to define themselves and thus get very uncomfortable and embarrassed if teased (especially by adults or teachers).
I know for myself that if I am in a light mood lots of things can be funny but if I am feeling low or have had an argument then I tend to be over-sensitive and defensive. These sorts of crossed wires can get even more tangled up if we now add the mediums of texts or emails! What I send off as a slight teasing comment may be misinterpreted as a jibe by the recipient if they are feeling low or vulnerable as they do not hear the laughter in my mind! I often think that lots of pub fights may be caused by people thinking they are being laughed at: someone is laughing at a joke, they turn their head still laughing and accidently catch the eye of someone who then thinks he is being laughed at!
These sorts of scenarios just illustrate how subjective humour can be and we need to be really sensitive to the needs of those around us before trying to ‘inject humour’ in an attempt to ease tension in an uncomfortable situation.
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23/03/2008 at 12:00 am
This isnt a comment about Ellie’s post, but it has reminded me of my relationship with my brother, and has made me think more about it.
Leo will be 30 this year and is almost ten years younger than I am. We have never lived together as adults, in fact he was a child when I left the family home. We only see each other three or four times a year, and rarely speak on the telephone. But whenever we meet up, our conversation is made up almost entirely of humour. We dont seem to be able to talk to each other without laughing or jibing at each other (or, I am ashamed to say, at our mother). My partner of 17 years and his are excluded from this almost childlike banter.
I have never really thought too much about this before. And I daresay it wouldnt take too much therapy to understand why this may be, but I wonder how many people only relate to certain other people through humour?
Nicola
06/04/2008 at 11:31 pm
As you so rightly suggest that it is not difficult to work out why we use humour in certain relationships. Often it protects us from more srious conversations and our underlying feelings. Humour is a very effective and socially acceptable way of disconnecting from ourselves and others.