Listening Differently

17/03/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

Since following the concept of Compassionate Communication I find that the biggest change I have made is by listening differently.  This is especially important when communicating with children, and teenagers. 

A huge pitfall of parents is to jump to conclusions.  I see it in myself and I certainly observe it with my friends and clients.  We then react with these, often erroneous, conclusions in our heads.  If we  listen and observe and then pause before making an assumption we can often resolve a conflict situation rather than exacerbate it.  Time and time again it is the thoughts in our heads that create a conflict situation rather than what has actually happened. 

For example  if a parent thinks their child is doing something ‘on purpose’ just to ‘wind me up’ then their response is going to be very different than if they observed some behavior and wondered what needs and feelings the child might be expressing. 

I certainly know that if I am getting really annoyed with my son I can often stall an escalation of my anger by asking myself what needs he might he be having and empathizing with his unmet needs. 

Consider the situation late one evening chez Ellie: son is really angry with things, stomping about, crashing around, making a lot of noise at 11pm at night.

At first I ignored him but as it got louder I realized that it was a sign to intervene.  I recognized that my son wanted help and acknowledgment but did not know how to ask.  By this stage I was also concerned as I thought he is being totally inconsiderate to his father and the neighbours.  Had I gone in guns blazing mouthing off about ‘  no consideration for others,  you are so selfish, don’t you know what time it is  etc etc’  I am sure that  would have triggered an escalation in anger and alienation.  Instead I suppressed my urge to shout and shame and asked him why he was so angry.  He replied that he did not know; so I tentatively suggested he may be feeling overwhelmed as a lot was going on for him with homework and being tired from lack of sleep (he had been away).  Asking this directly was ok in this situation as he had already said he was feeling angry; had I asked or empathized verbally with needs and feelings he would have responded angrily, this is an assumption but based on previous experience!

By my offering very tentative empathy my son became quieter and calmed down.  It did not matter that I did not get the answer as to what was going on but by just being present and in the moment I gave a sense of caring without smothering him with lots of questions.  Just being there created a different energy.

I know that if I just remember to listen without judgement or assumption I can usually resolve a potential conflict situation.  

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