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Listening Differently

ListeningSince following the concept of Compassionate Communication I find that the biggest change I have made is by listening differently.  This is especially important when communicating with children, and teenagers. 

A huge pitfall of parents is to jump to conclusions.  I see it in myself and I certainly observe it with my friends and clients.  We then react with these, often erroneous, conclusions in our heads.  If we  listen and observe and then pause before making an assumption we can often resolve a conflict situation rather than exacerbate it.  Time and time again it is the thoughts in our heads that create a conflict situation rather than what has actually happened. 

For example  if a parent thinks their child is doing something ‘on purpose’ just to ‘wind me up’ then their response is going to be very different than if they observed some behavior and wondered what needs and feelings the child might be expressing. 

I certainly know that if I am getting really annoyed with my son I can often stall an escalation of my anger by asking myself what needs he might he be having and empathizing with his unmet needs. 

Consider the situation late one evening chez Ellie: son is really angry with things, stomping about, crashing around, making a lot of noise at 11pm at night.

At first I ignored him but as it got louder I realized that it was a sign to intervene.  I recognized that my son wanted help and acknowledgment but did not know how to ask.  By this stage I was also concerned as I thought he is being totally inconsiderate to his father and the neighbours.  Had I gone in guns blazing mouthing off about ‘  no consideration for others,  you are so selfish, don’t you know what time it is  etc etc’  I am sure that  would have triggered an escalation in anger and alienation.  Instead I suppressed my urge to shout and shame and asked him why he was so angry.  He replied that he did not know; so I tentatively suggested he may be feeling overwhelmed as a lot was going on for him with homework and being tired from lack of sleep (he had been away).  Asking this directly was ok in this situation as he had already said he was feeling angry; had I asked or empathized verbally with needs and feelings he would have responded angrily, this is an assumption but based on previous experience!

By my offering very tentative empathy my son became quieter and calmed down.  It did not matter that I did not get the answer as to what was going on but by just being present and in the moment I gave a sense of caring without smothering him with lots of questions.  Just being there created a different energy.

I know that if I just remember to listen without judgement or assumption I can usually resolve a potential conflict situation.  

This entry was posted on 17/03/2008 at 04:11 pm and is filed under Diary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Listening Differently”

  1. Nicola says:
    22/03/2008 at 11:05 pm

    I have two sons (3 and 5) but I dont think this approach works with younger children. Well, I havent had success with it, yet!

    My eldest frequently displays signs of being angry (often with me). My attempts at empathising with his anger result in more abuse. And, when I ask if he would like to tell me how he is feeling he does not have the maturity to tell me. (Either that, or he is just too stubborn to tell me!)

    I would welcome suggestions for what I can say to him, for example, when he is yelling in my face that he ‘cannot do x y or z on his own’ and ‘that is why he is asking me to do it for him’ as I am gently trying to encourage indepence.

    Bing his mother, of course I think I know what he is feeling and what his needs are (!). He is feeling frustrated that he cannot do something for himself and needs reassurance that I am there to do it for him until he can. But how do I request him to do something, in such a way that does not result in us both yelling at each other and me ultmiately giving in to get the result necessary.

    TIA

    Nicola

  2. Ellie says:
    06/04/2008 at 11:36 pm

    Am responding to the above posting. To apply Words That Change Actions it would be good to get an example of a situation. So Step one is Observe: describe the situation as to what you saw and what you said in less than 40 words. We can then attempt to unpick a situation. We can do this as a thread here or via email. Ellie

  3. Charlotte says:
    19/05/2008 at 12:31 pm

    I agree that it is harder with younger children to talk as you would to a teenager who is capable of doing things themselves. Young children often want to be treated as an adult when they are simply not able to be treated as one. I can imagine that the eldest son of the lady above feels that they want to be treated differently to that of the younger child and so shows this frustration through anger. I hope that you were able to tailor the idea to your son as I have seen that this way of talking does have a positive effect!

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