17/04/2009 by Ellie at TFP.

I had a rather shocking experience today which left me feeling shaken.  I had just finished purchasing some items in a small shop when I heard a young man respond to a question from another employer with the words ‘It’s me you black cunt’ !  I turned round and the young man seeing the shock on my face immediately apologized.  I said I found the comments very offensive and they were racist and sexist.  He apologized again.  He was not being aggressive, this was said in a banterish fashion; what is shocking is that he was comfortable saying this without any thought. 

I am making an assumption here that such comments were seen as perfectly normal by the management as no one said anything till I asked for the manager.  At which point a man I had seen sitting in the office behind the counter immediately sprang to his feet and said he would deal with this later.  I left with my purchases.

I pondered how to deal with this in an effective way.  What would you have done?

Harmless Banter – Or Is It?  

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16/04/2009 by Ellie at TFP.

This was a title in the newspaper, about young people, yesterday.  This made me think (again!) about how we communicate.  We don’t actually listen when we are having a conversation.  We have also discussed this in our newsletter Talkeeze and  Conversations with Ellie and Jadzia.

A lot of the time we have our own agenda and so much want to get our point of view over that we don’t actually hear what is being said.  Since I have been paying attention to this I notice how much I do it and how much it is done to me. Eg I was telling a friend something and she suddenly started talking about something that had caught her eye.  I felt cut off and not heard;  this got me to see that I also do this and presumably the person who was trying to tell me something may have felt equally frustrated and not heard.

Another little thing that we tend to do is finish off other people’s sentences: again this cuts them off mid-flight as we make an assumption that we know what they are thinking.  Sometimes we are correct but sometimes we are wrong. 

Back to young people: their universal mantra is ‘You don’t listen’.  Something happens or we see something and we immediately jump to conclusions (assumptions!) and act on these assumptions before actually checking out what really did happen.  I know that when I actually stay in the moment and ask questions and also state how I feel I create a much more harmonious atmosphere around me.  Whereas if I stomp in ‘mouth blazing’ I do not get a resolution I get a conflict situation.  The key seems to be to hit the pause button before hitting the blame button.

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13/03/2009 by Ellie at TFP.

As a parent and as someone concerned at the bashing young people seem to be getting in the media I have read closely the discussions surrounding Julie Myerson’s disclosures.   As now also identified as the woman behind the anonymous column in the Guardian’s Family Section called ‘Living With Teenagers’ she is certainly not naïve about the media. 

Whether it is right or wrong to write about your own children is surely up to each individual to decide.  Myerson’s writing has made people realize they are not alone in the volatile and complex world of teenagers’ lives.  She has been condemned by many for exposing her family life and for evicting her son because of his disruptive behavior.

What seems to be forgotten here is that young people have to take some responsibility for what happens to them.  There are consequences to our actions.  Some behaviours are unacceptable and go against our values.  If an older sibling is giving drugs to his younger siblings then that to me is a valid reason to throw that young person out.

It is very glib for someone to write in Guardian letters that it’s all the fault of ‘appalling parenting skills’ and throwing the young person onto the streets is not advisable.  But I think when the whole family is sinking under the strain of one person’s addiction whether it be drugs, alcohol or gambling then drastic action has to be taken.  Every parent who chooses this road is torn apart.  Before this decision is reached there have often been years of failed negotiations and broken promises. 

Of course as parents we need to question how we parent – this is a life long learning curve- but the young person has to take some responsibility for such a heart rendering situation.

What do you think? – Share your thoughts with us.

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19/11/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

As we are coming towards the end of our current How To Talk So Kids Will Listen teleclass I am perhaps more sensitive to matters concerning children.  Today there was an article about a 13 yr old girl who requested going home from hospital to die rather than face more operations.  A Peadiatrician commenting about the case stated  ‘We used to say children have rights until they disagree with us’.(ie us being adults)

I really empathized with that comment as we so often override our childrens’ views.  If we do not listen and trust in our childrens’ judgements then we deny them their autonomy – incidently more of this in Session 3 of our teleclass.

By parents and carers/teachers listening with presence children feel heard and respected and thus develop confidence and a belief in their own worth.  The parents of this young girl supported their daughter in this very difficult decision.

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31/08/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

I have been reflecting a lot on how much violence has been reported in the news recently.

Violence against women: in Sudan, Afghanistan and Domestic Violence

Violence against men: interrogation techniques

Violence at home and abroad: a young Honeymoon couple murdered in the Caribean; a young Arab boy killed in Hastings.

There is so much that at times I feel quite overwhelmed by it.

Unfortunately I can also see that it does not take much to switch on the violence in me!  I can easily go from being in a calm zen state to being a screaming banshee.

Society’s response is often to try to resolve the situation by resorting to restrictions: …..this should not be allowed or there should be a law against this……. and indeed the main response of the government to knife crime is to talk of stiffer penalties.

The increase in electronic messaging in our society means that we can be less aware of how our behaviour impacts on those around us.  This may go some way to explaining the levels of violence we see around us.

If I am feeling vulnerable my instinct is to lash out (in my case verbally).  On reflection I invariably see that my response was over the top and also that I reacted to my perception of a situation and this perception was based on my assumption of what I thought the other person was doing or thinking!  .

But, most importantly, this assumption would be heavily dependent on how on I was feeling at the time of the interaction rather than on fact!  At Talking for Peace we continually emthasise the importance of self-awareness in relation to our feelings.  If we hit the pause button before reacting we are more likely to get a resolution to our perceived threats rather than attracting an aggressive reaction in return

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12/06/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

Why are young people killing other young people? Is it because they think they are not being respected?.  Road rage is an adult example of the same response: someone cuts you up and you become enraged because they have not respected you.  The responses range from curses under your breath to physical assaults on the ‘offending’ driver.

There is so much in the news at the moment about knife crimes and the latest initiatives of the police.  However, we continue to have more killings including a current court case concerning a young boy who was killed after two groups got into a fight because of the ‘wrong’ look.  Another example of how strong the reaction can be to a perceived lack of ‘respect’.

The Police are toughening measures for young people found carrying knives; there is a new anti-knife advertising campaign designed by teenagers.  This is all going to help focus our attention on the symptoms of what is happening but it is not sorting out the cause.  Many young people are simply afraid: afraid of being attacked and paradoxically  they are afraid of not carrying a knife! 

I believe that we have to go behind the violence and the reactions to the very real perceived threat of violence. 
There have been various examples in the past where schools have sought to operate mediation initiatives.  I think that this is a positive way forward; we all need to look at how we deal with conflict and as adult role models , how do our children see us deal with conflict?

Questions for Us To Reflect OnWhat do our children see when we are driving?

How do we behave with strangers who we may feel have been ‘rude’.? How many times do we think somebody needs to be ‘taught a lesson’?

How do we behave at home: how do we put our needs over at home?

How do we treat our children when we are instilling ‘respect and discipline’?

How do we listen to what children are saying?

Is it a question of ‘Do what I say’ rather than ‘Do what I do’.?

Have we taught that ‘might is right’?

If you are interested in communicating in a different way whether with adults or with children then consider signing up for one of our courses which are running in September:

A new run of Words That Change Actions starts Thursday 11 September

And How To Talk So Kids Will Listen starts Monday 15 September.

We can all contribute to the part we play in Society; we all have power and responsibility – we can make a difference!As Gandhi says:             ‘Be the Change you wish to see in the world.’ 

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15/05/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

I am  feeling a great sense of sadness at the violence amongst young people and the catastrophic effect the repercussions have on the immediate family and the community at large.In our ‘Conversations With Ellie and Jadzia’ last month we explored the ‘Seeds of Anger’.  The tragic consequences of anger became only too clear as I read about the sentencing for life of two young teenagers who had killed a 16 yr old boy.   Only one day later another 16 year old boy is killed a few hundred yards from where I live.
This hit the national news and has once again sparked the cry ‘Something must be Done’.  But what can be done?Boris Johnson the new mayor vowed to stop knife crimes.  A policy of zero tolerance is being discussed.  In a Newsnight special the other evening Melanie Phillips was saying we need more policing.  Although these measures would have an impact if they are effectively implemented I believe it is not getting to the heart of the matter.  Ray Lewis, London’s Deputy Mayor For Young People was talking of broken families and lack of boundaries and the need for education.  I also think that the way into this cycle of aggression is through education in the schools.  As well as teaching literacy there should also be an awareness of emotional intelligence and development so that young people are taught to explore, accept and express their feelings rather than suppression which can then cause frustration and anger when needs are ignored or not acknowledged. The rapid advance in technology has had an immense impact on how young people communicate: through text messaging, MSN, Facebook etc.

I believe that these impersonal methods of communication have caused our young people to disconnect from their emotions.  These instant messaging methods create a screen so that users are less inhibited in expressing strong emotions such as anger and because of this they are unaware of the impact on the recipient.  In this way they can effectively disconnect from the consequences of their anger and avoid the need to talk face to face about feelings and their reactions to the events around them.

What real feelings lie beneath the anger that feeds the circles of aggression in our society?  It is our universal responsibility to help our children reconnect with their emotions and true compassionate nature.  Children learn from what they see: what we as adults model is what they learn.

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20/04/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

There has been a lot in the media over the past few weeks about parents children and young people and the latest phenomenon termed ‘Helicopter’ parenting. This is a name given to parents who zoom in to a school demanding justice for their child’s perceived maltreatment.

Young people are often described as if they are an alien species who must be contained and punished. And at the same time Parents and Teachers are demanding respect and become aggrieved and surprised when it isn’t forthcoming.

As parents we often say we want the best for our children without, perhaps, carefully looking at what that may be. What does ‘best’ actually mean in this context? Often it can mean pushing the child into pursuits /activities we never had as children. It is one thing to offer children opportunities but we also need to listen to what our children are saying when their interests may lie in a different direction. How many parents hear “ …..you’re not listening. You never listen” even when they have made sacrifices to provide the ‘best’ for their child?

I recently read an article about parent coaches running groups in the work place and was initially gasping in wonderment. Unfortunately this quickly turned to dismay as I carried on reading that the parents were attending the sessions to ‘learn’ how to get their children to be more like them!

This attempt to control their children’s lives can also get parents to over-react when there is trouble at school and so they can become ‘Helicopter Parents’ themselves. This desire for the best at any cost will not help the children’s emotional development if they are never held responsible for their actions.

Children learn what you are living. What qualities do we want to see in our children when they are adults? Do you live by those qualities? “Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.” Dr Haim Ginot

At Talking for Peace we are continually looking how to resolve conflict fairly and so with this in mind we are running teleclasses for parents and carers called How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.

This course will enable parents to gain clarity and confidence by enhancing their parenting skills. Instead of seeing our children as aliens we learn to move from ‘them’ and ‘us’, and to live together as ‘we’.

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17/03/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

Since following the concept of Compassionate Communication I find that the biggest change I have made is by listening differently.  This is especially important when communicating with children, and teenagers. 

A huge pitfall of parents is to jump to conclusions.  I see it in myself and I certainly observe it with my friends and clients.  We then react with these, often erroneous, conclusions in our heads.  If we  listen and observe and then pause before making an assumption we can often resolve a conflict situation rather than exacerbate it.  Time and time again it is the thoughts in our heads that create a conflict situation rather than what has actually happened. 

For example  if a parent thinks their child is doing something ‘on purpose’ just to ‘wind me up’ then their response is going to be very different than if they observed some behavior and wondered what needs and feelings the child might be expressing. 

I certainly know that if I am getting really annoyed with my son I can often stall an escalation of my anger by asking myself what needs he might he be having and empathizing with his unmet needs. 

Consider the situation late one evening chez Ellie: son is really angry with things, stomping about, crashing around, making a lot of noise at 11pm at night.

At first I ignored him but as it got louder I realized that it was a sign to intervene.  I recognized that my son wanted help and acknowledgment but did not know how to ask.  By this stage I was also concerned as I thought he is being totally inconsiderate to his father and the neighbours.  Had I gone in guns blazing mouthing off about ‘  no consideration for others,  you are so selfish, don’t you know what time it is  etc etc’  I am sure that  would have triggered an escalation in anger and alienation.  Instead I suppressed my urge to shout and shame and asked him why he was so angry.  He replied that he did not know; so I tentatively suggested he may be feeling overwhelmed as a lot was going on for him with homework and being tired from lack of sleep (he had been away).  Asking this directly was ok in this situation as he had already said he was feeling angry; had I asked or empathized verbally with needs and feelings he would have responded angrily, this is an assumption but based on previous experience!

By my offering very tentative empathy my son became quieter and calmed down.  It did not matter that I did not get the answer as to what was going on but by just being present and in the moment I gave a sense of caring without smothering him with lots of questions.  Just being there created a different energy.

I know that if I just remember to listen without judgement or assumption I can usually resolve a potential conflict situation.  

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15/02/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

Some words break down to reveal a hidden meaning.

For example there is a hidden “Ass” in the word assume.

Assume => ass-u-me

I think this is a brilliant breakdown of the word! We frequently say Oh I assumed you meant …….. or I assumed you wanted me to do…….. or I assumed you had done it……… We say this so often and then we try to put the blame on the other person when there has been a mix-up. Or we get upset because the other person is not ‘grateful’ when we have done something without checking it out first.

One important rule of compassionate communication is to check things out ; get clarity: don’t assume! When we ‘assume’ we can actually behave like an ass.

This can be particularly evident with children: as parents we ‘assume’ we know what is ‘for the best’ for our children. We interfere without consultation. My son will say to me ‘Don’t assume!’ when I have done something to be ‘helpful’. This jumping in to be helpful causes many arguments between parents and children, especially teenagers. They are fighting for their autonomy and we as parents constantly assume we know what they want without properly hearing their requests.

So don’t you be the ‘ass’ in assume. Instead be clear what it is you want to achieve and check out the situation with those around you before you ‘ass-u-me’.

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