04/02/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

I was talking about teasing and humour the other day and we ended up realising that a lot of ‘humour’ is usually a joke at someone else’s expense.  It is actually a very thin line between being humorous  and hurtful.  If we are the butt of someone else’s comments how we react will very much depend on our confidence and emotional state at that given moment. eg most of the time I can laugh when my son makes fun of me but if I have had a bad day I am much more sensitive to criticism and will retaliate sharply.  Which then surprises him and he will say ‘Oh stop being so stressy’

As adults we are usually more able to take ‘it’ as well as dish it out.  However teenagers are especially  good at dishing out but become very indignant and upset if  we laugh or tease them back.  To be able to take  teasing in one’s stride necessitates having a strong sense of self; I think most teenagers are very self-conscious and still trying to define themselves and thus get very uncomfortable and embarrassed if teased (especially by adults or teachers).

I know for myself that if I am in a light mood lots of things can be funny but if I am feeling low or have had an argument then I tend to be over-sensitive and defensive.  These sorts of crossed wires can get even more tangled up if we now add the mediums of texts or emails! What I  send off as a slight teasing comment may be misinterpreted as a jibe by the recipient if they are feeling low or vulnerable as they do not hear the laughter in my mind!  I often think that lots of pub fights may be caused by people thinking they are being laughed at: someone is laughing at a joke, they turn their head still laughing and accidently catch the eye of someone who then thinks he is being laughed at!

These sorts of scenarios just illustrate how subjective humour can be and we need to be really sensitive to the needs of those around us before trying to ‘inject humour’ in an attempt to ease  tension in an uncomfortable situation.

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25/01/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

Empathy is one of the most powerful tools of compassionate communication. 

Yet it is very difficult: Don’t just do something, stand there (Buddhist saying). 

I noticed that I am very good at sympathy and advising but not so good at true empathy.  My natural inclination is to try and ‘fix it’.

A lot of us do this as we want to ease another person’s distress.  This has made me realize why I have often felt frustrated when I am telling a problem to a friend and they are already advising before I have finished ‘my story’.  It feels so much better when a friend just listens with their ‘whole being’ rather than with their mind.

My awareness of true empathy is growing the more I practice compassionate communication.  The change is also enabled by a different awareness of how I listen: am I listening quietly with my being or am I listening with my head – waiting to get my ‘two pennyworths in’!  True empathy can help when someone is angry:  instead of getting defensive we can truely listen and this will invariably create a shift which then enables resolution.

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21/01/2008 by Ellie at TFP.

NEITHER SAINTS NOR SINNERS

When I am explaining compassionate communication I sometimes get the reaction that people think they have to be ‘good’ to use it and that they are ‘bad’ if they do not use it

Compassionate communication is a different way of talking; it’s a way of being more in tune with how we may be feeling in the moment. 

There are lots of times when I am feeling angry and resentful that all I want to do is hurt back by sarcasm or attacking by inducing guilt.  These may not be the ‘right’ way of communicating but at that moment in time that may be all I can/want to do.  That is ok I do not need to punish myself by deciding I was communicating ‘badly’.

But I also know that by responding in this way I will not get a harmonious resolution.  By using cc for my own self-development I am more likely to increase harmony in my life much more quickly and effectively.   By tuning in more quickly to what feelings and needs drove my behaviour  I am better able to change my responses and in this way enable  a resolution that meets all our needs.

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13/12/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

Our ’stories’ affect how we ‘hear ‘ what someone else is saying.  If we ‘hear’ blame our response is very different than if not. Sometimes we may be sorry for causing an upset but dig our heels in if we think the other person is trying to lay ‘the blame’ on us.  If we are in a dispute or disagreement the the chances of a concillatory outcome are often delayed when each party is trying to justify their position: this is generally achieved by attempting to place the other party in the ‘wrong’.

Recently I was in just such a situation where I felt I was unjustly being put inthe ‘wrong’ and the other person was wanting an apology for my action.   Neither of us could see the others point of view.  Deadlock could have prevailed had we not decided to go into needs and feelings.   As soon as we stated our needs and feelings the barriers came down and there was instant empathy and reconnection.   By going into needs and feelings we connect at the heart level instead of our heads. This is particularly pertinent when we have a long term relationship with someone (be it at home or at work) as then the ’stories’ are longer and carry more weight so there is a vested interest in being ‘right’ and this history then gets in the way of a resolution.  That is why by going into needs and feelings it is much easier and quicker to reach a mutually compassionate resolution.

When we find ourselves in a conflict situation, rather than trying to justify our ‘rightness’, we are far more likely to get our needs met if we truely state how we are feeling at that moment and what we may be needing.  Giving empathy to ourselves as well as the other person is another short cut  to resolution.  This takes us away from blame and the desire to be ‘right’.

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03/12/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

The title is very familiar and something we will often say sarcastically when someone has not met our needs.

In any relationships what we say and how we say it is very important and a lot of our dissatisfaction occurs when others have not said what we think they ’should’ have said.

When stating ‘you don’t say you love me’ the response is usually ‘but you know I do’. Well how do others know we love them? How do we show we care? How often do we say ‘I love you’. How often do we state appreciation of what someone has done for us.   The October Talkeeze Newsletter was about ‘Gratitude’ and how by showing gratitude we can bring joy to others.

In any relationship, but more particularly when it is long term, there is a greater expectation for others to ‘know’ what we want or need.  Conflict can arise when we assume the other person has done something deliberately to upset/annoy us: we will often say or think “They did that to annoy me, they know I don’t like that”.  But did they really do it deliberately?
So many conflicts are caused by us jumping to conclusions driven by the ’stories’ that sit on our shoulders.  Next time you catch yourself with that thought really examine it and actually assess how you are feeling and what your needs might be at that point in time.  In this way,  by focusing on your own needs and feelings , you can remove the desire to ‘kick out’ against someone else because of an assumption that might well be incorrect.

So do ‘Actions Speak Louder Than Words’?  Maybe we need a bit of both with clear requests of our needs.

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20/08/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

All adults were children once but few remember it

-Saint Exupery-

Don’t Forget to Play!

On the theme of us being children and forgetting I am reminded of something that happened to me some months ago. Actually longer as it was pre my Talking for Peace days!

At that time I was more judgementa! I was quick to jump in with a quick diagnosis of anyone out there behaving in a way I thought unacceptable.

I was walking along the street when I saw a young man in his 20s in the middle of the road with a remote control car enjoying himself racing the car from side to side. My thoughts were oh stupid man and I was annoyed; by this time I was passing a painter on a ladder who looked my way. As I caught his eye I said in a disparaging way: ‘boys will be boys’ expecting him to be in agreement. To my added annoyance he replied ‘But he’s only playing; no harm in that.’

It took me 5 mins to reach my destination during which time I reflected on what had occured in this time I had a revelation! My annoyance had transformed to joyfulness. Had I not had an appointment I would have run back to the painter and thanked him for teaching me a lesson. It’s ok to play! It’s invigorating!

I often ask my clients when do they have fun/what do they do for fun. I realised I had not been brought up to play; playing was a waste of time. I am re-discovering the art of play. This has greatly helped in my relationship with my teenage son. When he is messing about throwing things at the bin etc I recognise this as his playfulness rather than making the judgement that he is doing things to annoy me.

With the Talking for Peace programmes I am often reminded of the need to abandon judgement and just to observe a situation and identify what has triggered my annoyance etc

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