05/10/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

We all say we want to make changes and then do everything possible to stay still.   We hear something or someone may suggest a different approach to a problem and we say “Yes, but……” giving different reasons as to why we cannot implement something different today.

By using the 4-step framework in conflict situations you state what is and thus what is true to you/for you in that moment.  By only stating what you observe, feel, and need it is your truth and in this way the other person does not ‘hear’ judgment or blame.  When we bring in old baggage couched in ‘you never…. you always……. you make me…….’ it makes the other person defensive and heightens the conflict.  Using Words that Change Actions facilitates conflict resolution.

When I talk about Talking for Peace and nonviolent communication everyone is usually interested and says “What a good idea” without realising how much of what we say, in our everyday exchanges, can be destructive.  By adopting a different way of communicating I am more aware of when I feel ‘bad’ and what can exacerbate that feeling.  If I am feeling angry it is easy to look for someone to blame instead of looking inwards and unravelling where these feelings may be coming from. If I am stuck I can apply the 4-step process of Observation-Feelings-Needs-Request.   Sometimes just looking at one aspect is enough to create a shift out of deadlock.

It is possible to be the ‘Lone Ranger’ and create shifts even if others are unwilling to make changes or join in the process. Shifts can still take place.

I am experiencing a rather difficult period at the moment and it would be easy to start attacking those around me from feelings of resentment and frustration.  To try and sustain peaceful communication I am making a concerted effort not to be sarcastic, and should a little dagger jump out I apologise.  I am making direct comments and requests.eg “Please could you pick up the clothes in the hall” Instead of “You’re always leaving your dirty clothes in the hall!” A little change in attitude can make a big shift in the atmosphere as there is then a positive knock on effect.

Sometimes participants in our ‘Words That Change Actions’ workshops will say “Oh I need to read the Book” then I can communicate nonviolently.  Simple changes can be made, daily.  Changes can be made, without reading ‘the Book’.

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14/09/2007 by Ellie at TFP.

Does following Words that Change Actions mean we lose passion?

I was talking about our workshops to a client when they asked whether by getting rid of anger/aggression do we not loose passion. This got me thinking: talking for peace is not about repression/supression of feelings. It is about transforming anger and making us more alive to our own true needs and feelings rather than hiding behind anger/agression.

Agression is not the only expression of passion. Since having an awareness of communicating differently I think I have become more passionate and true in my feelings. By following the 4 steps in compassionate communication it has enabled me to be more aware of what triggers my anger: what are the feelings and needs behind this anger and in this way I am more alive to the world around me. I am open to the feelings of others as I am not putting myself in a defensive position when others are expressing anger/aggression. I am feeling life more intensely/passionately since removing the veil of anger.

Talking for Peace/Words that Change Actions is about awareness in communication; being aware of the triggers for anger and transforming anger into compassionate communication where we connect with the heart. What then ensues is an equal interaction as opposed to one where there is an aggressor and a victim.

So for me recognising my anger and the triggers for it does not diminish my passion.

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